Rebecca
Twenty seventh August, 1992
Seek Ye, Lord!

Web album(Partial photographs) : MY WEB ALBUM

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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Tonight, the air was still. The night was warm. But the hour ish walk did let me escape from my mindsphere just a lil while. To breathe a lil more. Somehow, each time I intentionally take a walk to take time to think, my mind is always, always blank.

I enjoy taking walks at night. I love being on my own sometimes. I appreciate the serenity and space to breathe. But I do not welcome the intrusion of mozzies on my skin. I suspect there are spiderwebs hanging from trees because they got me all itchy.

So Jo spoke of a video clip called 'Strangers again' and I youtubed it. I didn't expect myself to cry over a 16 minutes clip but I did. It walked me down the memory lane of my first relationship, those happy innocent times but to realise I'm back in the same awkward spot as I was a few years back. Maybe I'm just too tired, maybe I just don't wanna give my best anymore. Maybe my heart throbs like a bat out of hell when I get overly upset or worried. You know, that kind of feeling that makes you feel like you can't breathe and you just wish everything wasn't as bad as it seemed? Like a panic attack. How I hate playing mind games. How I hate conjuring clouds of possibilities. How I hate thinking so much. To ever cause one's thoughts to run wild, you have clearly hurt the person.

Everyone has the freedom to make choices. But sowing or regrets, consequences are all yours to bear. You can choose to walk away from things that make you unhappy. From things that you dread. But if you don't, how do you complain then?

I guess, liberty is not in my court.

I do not know what God's plan is. Many a times, I feel life is playing a fool outta me. All the time. I wish I'm stronger. I wish my emotions wouldn't rule my head. I wish my emotions wouldn't cause me to make blunders at work. I wish I didn't care that much, that overly much.

I don't wanna feel that way I did several years ago, a few years ago, a year ago. Not now, not anytime soon, not in the future. Please, don't put me through that ever again. There's no other side to that.

For my heart to feel cold, you have crossed the line, verily.

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On a side note, I'm very thankful for friends who have always been there to pull a smile up my face no matter what goes wrong. I'm thankful that I haven't lost friends that I haven't seen in years. I don't know what I would be without them. And God.

1:04 AM
i dream of you.

♥