Thinking back, I don't want to feel inferior either but it doesnt seem like I can control any better, which is probably why I totally lost my cool just now. Yet again, feeling so insecure. Not sure if I have used the word correctly but now, it seems like the most appropriate word that I can use. I used to think that I am a confident and lucky girl and I think that two attributes go rather well together, to make who I am today. So what is confidence? And how do someone looks confident? To me, it's just remaining calm and protecting ego at any situation. I believe, everyone has had their intimidating moments before right? Especially, for fear of losing the one/thing they love. No matter how confident you are, you still have your vulnerability too.
People may look cool on the outside or look like they dont care but how many of them really feel that metallic all the time? Or is it, during half of the time appearing cool, there were many deep thoughts and worries running through the minds. And, those were unecessary and unforseen worries containing lots of 'What if?' How confident can you be and how long can you stay to appear as it is? I cannot, for long. I have lost my ego and coolness to vulnerability or instability.
A lot of people always say, ' Don't compare.' or ' Why are you comparing yourself? Everyone is different.' but this kind of thing is inevitable right? I am a human who wants to be better in any way, if I don't know what better actually is then how am I going to become better? This is also the reason why I feel inferior at times. Knowing that 'better' is like this or like that, and I can never be either or.
Now having a partner, I feel even more inferior when he defines good criteria of someone else which I do not have in me. It is hard for me to admit this point but yes, because I am afriad of losing, and losing anything or anyone to a criteria which I do not have. And again, I am a human not perfect. I can't find a middle ground among everyone and please them. Just that, these are also human thoughts and feelings. Everyone is afriad of losing the things/ ones they love so I think it's only normal for me to feel this way right?
Frequently, I try to keep my cool just to, not look like some petty women or just in case my ego is hurt for anyone. Today, I lost my coolness but I got a huge rock of my chest and, still having him here with me. As I stated, ' Thinking back..', I am trying to regain my coolness and at the same time, reflecting on how I can work this better. Anyway, if things are meant to be, they will.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------To round it up, our situations may be different but I assurance is all we need I think it is a basis in any relationship