Thursday, May 10, 2007

this is driving me nuts. i typed so much and everything didnt appeared. please! format!

and so i have no choice but to try to recall what i had typed.

calvin is nice. thank you for always being here for me. im sorry that i always take a long to reply your messages and even blocked you on msn. thank you for your constant encouragement.

oh i cant remember, sigh.

i screwed up my POA paper already. it was rather expected though. i gave in my best for english and just let go for all the other subjects. i wasnt focused. sigh i dont know what i was doing.

and i really had difficulties walking because of my baby toe today. i saw the xue qi on the way to sch. i asked her if she wanna take cab with me. she said you cant take cab in the middle of the road. i think she is cute.

and i didnt know why i was late today. as in 1 more minute and i was going to be late. we were asked to stand up. those who were late. oh man, i waited for ppl to stand before i did. so freaking embarrassing. the whole sch. WHOLE SCH turned their heads to my direction. i acted as if i didnt care. i was trembling la. mr chia said i acted as if i didnt care like that, the way i sat down. its embarrassing!

i like my sitting arrangement in class. i dont wanna switch back to the old one. please..

i dont know why, but my heart felt so heavy once i reached home. i thought yellow would come online at 1+ 2+ but he came online early today.

and calvin said that i had changed a lot. he said better. really? better?
he said he hoped i can be like the last time cheerful girl. i replied,
it wont happen.
he asked what were my dreams and wishes. i told him i dont know what i want in life.
thats why he started saying i changed a lot.
and i told him i may decide to leave softball. he said dont, but you dont know whats going on.
you dont know how i feel.

yesterday while i was revising, or rather on the phone with qi sheng, jiejie came in asked me to put down th phone for 5 minutes, she told me mummy was crying. and so i did.

she said, mummy cried suddenly while talking to her halfway through.
she talked about her husband and daughters.

qi sheng was trying to persuade me to go for softball chalet. most of the guys from his batch were going. plus isaac! aww i miss him. sigh, i used to be so enthu bout' softball chalets in the past. camps too. but now, huhhhhhhhh softball chalet ah.
im not even on talking terms with my clique now. that includes SL, jaslin and velarie. dont have to think, you can immediately see the scene at softball chalet. so what for. do you think i dont wanna go?

i seriously dont know what i want. i dont wanna break away from my immaturity. i see what ppl face when they break away.

and everybody seems to be able to balance the stupid poa la. i cant. and im gonna disappoint mrs yeo. im sorry.

and i know yellow is trying to make a conservation. im sorry too.

mummy once mentioned about her "lover" to me. i came to know that he is still waiting for her, its been eight years. the line between love and love became thiner and sharper. im not really envious though. mummy deserves to have a guy who waits for her for so long.
she added on, if she cant take it one day, she will break away from this family and go to australia to be with him.
i dont know what i was feeling then. but i didnt cry that night.
but it clinged on to me.

thank God there isnt any paper tomorrow, i would probably not even touch it la.
but im gonna do my drawings later on.

why do everything had to be said literally before ppl can know?
can you just feel? cant ppl just look further, and feel further? HUR?

and eugene is cute.
msn.

all the best for everyone who has a paper tomorrow. dnt. poa mcq.

i went behind the wall and squated down and started crying.

mummy was trying her best. i could see. she went on saying bout' her beautiful cactus potted plant and she was smiling here and there. she didnt smiled in the past. my heart ache. i know you are trying...

ppl who know me said that im stubborn.
jiejie kept saying the word, effort, EFFORT!
it keeps ringing in my brain.
and ppl who know me should know that i stick firm to the way i wanna do things.
but i have been trying to do things in the way that ppl prefer.
if this isnt effort, what is that?
i dont have to say it out.
why do all the results have to come out before ppl listen and see whats going on.
please.

and i feel like sleeping again.

i really dont want holidays to come, neither do i want exams to end.
i feel like just walking away.

yellow.
softball.
chalet.
camp.
family.
studies.

i have to decide for so many teeny areas and its driving me crazy.
either ways i would regret.

and maybe, its either yellow OR softball.

and thank you calvin.
thank you yellow.
thank you eugene.
maybe li hong.

and junxin said he wanna cook. haha hope that his kitchen wont be burnt down like what he said.
hehehe rebecca is feeling better already.
i told him i can call for a fire engine whenever he needs! hehe.

and yellow is trying to make me feel happier.

Lord, please bless everyone that i know. love.

mummy, please dont cry anymore.

---idontfeelanybetter...----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Labels: everybody is trying but who are the ones who will see?

11:47 AM
i dream of you.

♥