initially i wanted to visit some ppl's blog. so i went to chye ning's first. then i clicked on links.
usually i would skip benson's but i had this feeling to click, and so i did.
i clicked on the past posts and read.
gosh, they were damn touching...
sigh, i didnt know he was really that faithful to love... he really loved her so...the way he said to the public was not easy at all to come from a guy at all... im.. im.. i dont know how to say it.
but he really loves and cares for her like anything.
aww i dont know what to say...i havent even finished reading the post then i starting tearing nonstop..
hes not at all close to me, but i feel the love that runs deep for her.. the tiniest and extreme pain he feels whether its a big or small thing of sabrina. shes ill, he can worry so much and described it out.
oh benson, im sorry... i thought so superficially of you... sigh, i even said bout' you and say lee.
no way that SHOULD be possible! i really feel the pinch... i hope you can be happy benson.
suddenly, my issue seems so damn minor. and i thought he was the only guy that was so great, you made me realize i have to see beyond borders.
but like you, its not easy to let go. not even the slightest memories.
you seem to be hee-hee-ha-ha-ing. but reading your blog tells me you actually pretend like i do.
you said your members dont treat you like one, i feel that my friends are leaving me out of their space too.
they are changing, i cant seem to fit in nicely. i suddenly realized im now not at all fit to accept anyone.
or in the least, love a person. because i dont know the true meaning... sigh... i hope life will be much breathier for you.
say lee, what has happened between us? whywhywhywhywhy are things going so rancid...
i feel if you had still stuck with yenling they all, at least when you see me you still smile.
we wont have more and more stronger walls between us.
if i have not shifted house, we wouldnt drift right? if i had still given in to you, andy hadnt broken up with you, things wont be like that right?
if WAN wasnt in the same class, things wont be like that right?
im not blaming you, wan.. but i feel you are somehow the greatest factor. you love her, and she seems as though she wanna go along.
she puts you in first priority for EVERYTHING. AND YES, EVERYTHING.and can just ignore my feelings and go on doing the stuff you wanna do.
its not bout' jealously here, its about confusion, i mean i can comprehend why is she doing such.. i mean, why is she treating me in this way. its not as though we were hibye friends. haiya i just feel that shes treating me like trash.
whywhywhywhy, Lord, can you tell me why?
why each friend you plant close to me will eventually hurt me and make me feel cheated? you want me to learn how to be strong is it? or what???? what?
say lee doesnt give two hoots to my feelings at all. ppl who are not close to me care so much, they really do!
then i remember, huh say lee ar? no, she doesnt give a damn at all.
you keep wanting everything to your will and give no leeway.
hey, can you not be so selfcentered. think of how i feel can?
can you not go against everyhing i wanna do or say?
you can dont listen but the least you can do is not to hurt me with UNWANTED WORDS.
i cant trust you to keep my secrets so i tell others instead.
you will just go around like a loudhailer. or not, to wan, or benson, or that group or my friends. Whatever.
thats not the thing i mind the Most. you mock at me.
it wasnt easy for me to say my inner feelings, im not like you, so daring to dare to speak loudly.
i said, " say lee ar, i very xin ku leh.. very pain..." (it took me quite a lot of courage)
then you replied with that face, "haiyoo dou guo liao hai chaochaochao. haiyoo"
i mean..
sigh, you really SHOCKED me. i suppressed my tears and said softly, huh? then no reply. then i tried to said properly, okay.. nvermind...
nobody will believe you actually said this to me. just this simple reply. why are you like that?
can you tell me why?
you said i treat JX better than you. YES I DONT DENY.
why? HE UNDERSTANDS AND CONSOLE ME.
he doesnt mock at me and hurt me like you do, he pays effort and time to listen.
you just pretend im not saying anything at all and change topic.
arent friends willing to listen? you BEWILDERED me.
weird.
you continued saying I TREAT GUYS BETTER THAN GIRLS. yeah, i was stuck.
i said, " ya i do. at least they are simple minded and dont hurt me like girl friends.
they speak right to the point and dont pretend."
again, with that face she shook her head and said hai, (you know, that kind of sacarstic thing)
okay, i began to boil, i decided to say something spiteful.
I TREAT DIFFERENT PPL DIFFERENTLY. IT DEPENDS ON WHO.
i hoped she was pricked a little, she has to wake up.
i told maxyne, i had my reasons to say that apart from spiting her. she can take harsh jokes, because shes that kind of HA-HA-HA person, happy go lucky type.
but imagine if i tell jun xiang stuff in a loud and stupid tone, he might just think im insane la. it means different ppl can take different stufff.
apparently, she CANT understand and WONT BOTHER understanding.
im still gritting my teeth and tolerating. the time bomb is reaching!
i keep saying sorry to her constantly. i keep regretting after i think back as time goes by..
conclusion, wherever WAN is, i will be sure to walk away.
why? SHE needs to spend time with HIM.
and WAN is the priority when SHE DOESNT like HIM YA. would i believe? weird la.
im just upset. im not jealous. im just really damn upset.
for sure, things wont be the same anymore. i guarantee it.
more quarrels are coming up, disputes iincrease. and me screamng and going against her. "YAY"
coach, thank you for giving me a chance to play together. really appreciate it. wanna message to thank you, but i think no, i shouldnt. i dont dare. and i dont want you to feel you are obliged to put me in just cause' i thanked you.
i will try my best to get you out of anywhere of me. please get out, dont turn back anymore.
treat her with your pure love and dont hurt her. dont turn your heart and start your past stories again.
im glad i didnt accept you, or i will be the one deluded and thinking you will never ever have a change of heart.
i was stupid right, chee?
i was proven wrong that you aint those typical guys right?
i thought you were the only different one.
i was naive cause' im still not mature right?
you proven me wrong, right?
my tears were in vain, my writings were all for vain right?
i dont think i can blame you, cause' im the stupid one here.
and i know, whatever that i feel now will be gone. tomorrow comes and my mirages start knocking at me door again...
please dont contact me anymore..
you makin' it tough!
12:36 AM
i dream of you.
♥