sigh, i really feel terrible. i dont wish to hurt ppl. i didnt choose it this way. i cant seem to avoid, cant seem to control. i detest this. really really detest it!
ppl say being loved than loving someone is much better, a nicer feeling. i may agree, but not totally! to be loved seems very painful. its ironic. bei ai de hen xin fu, ke shi wo jue de bi jiao tong ku.
actually popularity doesnt mean that much.
but..sigh. i really wonder what t do... im terribly sorry to you, you, you, you, and you! too many "you". to make you wait is very selfish of me, but i think i feel inferior.
i have no faith too, afterall NOTHING IS FOREVER. and i believe strongly in that. but...but how?? i cant get to sleep... im thinking so much.
here i am, bearing all my stupid complaints and my feelings to you, poor paper. but i dont want anyone to understand me, know me, totally. because im afraid to trust anyone totally. blogs can be so superficial, pity-gaining. yet some are so sincere that pricks my heart. it hurts, it really hurts you know? reading your blog makes me feel so guilty, i dont want that way alright? but how am i going to tell you how it is actually. no way i would.
it feels so suffocating, really xin ku.. i worry bout' how you are feeling, are you okay? i yearn to message to ask, but HOW?! perhaps it is God that fated a gift, you to me. God is making me understand how much i value you, and how much i should treasure you. everything i had to know about you had to be told by say lee, or through your blog. why does the whole world know, but not me??
how do you expect...sigh. maybe im not being understanding enough, maybe you deserve a better girl than me. i dont deserve ppl loving me genuinely since im so useless, scared this scared that. what no forever, what one day will leave, what one day will break up, what nothing is perfect. how stupid. im just a weak thing who pretends to be a strong person.
what crap!
im sorry Lord, for deeming myself so. but i really feel very, very xin ku inside. i really feel sorry to each/everyone of them...
im sorry.
to anyone.
thankfully, i still have great friends there for me. love.
6:48 PM
i dream of you.
♥